Bittersweet sixteen
By Kathy Lette
1. Teenage daughters are God’s punishment for having sex in the first place. I know this now because I have one. There are four things you will never hear a teenage daughter say:
2. “I don’t need money. I’m going to get a part-time job and be self-sufficient1.”
3. “Can I get you a cup of tea after I’ve unpacked the dishwasher?”
4. “Drugs and sex are overrated2. I’m going to pour my energy into learning Mandarin3 and algebra4 and studying The Iliad5.”
5. “I don’t want to go out with him again. An incredible6 physique7, a Harley-Davidson and a recording contract are totally overrated.”
6. What you will hear them say is:
7. “If you talk to my boyfriend again I’ll kill you.”
8. “If you gave me a decent amount of pocket money I wouldn’t have been caught shoplifting8.”
9. “I’m just having a few friends over.” (Which translates as an open invitation to everyone under 25 in the free world.)
10. “I HATE YOU.”
11. Having consulted other mothers, it’s clear that once your loving, affectionate9 little girl turns 13, she’ll be taken hostage10 by her hormones11. Having always preferred the natural look, she’ll suddenly begin guarding her eyeliner12 and mascaras13 more closely than a Colombian drug lord14. Her once-pristine15 bedroom will become so dirty and unkempt16 that guests will wipe their feet before leaving her room. She’ll take to wearing punk17 outfits18 that need only one accessory19 — a crack addiction20. Her skirts will be so short you won’t worry about people being able to see her pants. You’ll worry they’ll see her ovulating21. She’ll start dating a succession of boys who smell of dead rodents22 and have entire ecosystems23 under each fingernail. You’ll try to placate24 your husband by explaining that whenever your daughter is down in the dumps25, she gets herself a new boyfriend. To which he’ll reply, wearily: “So that’s where she finds them.”
12. If your teenager gets up before lunch time you’ll dial emergency services, presuming26 her mattress27 must be on fire. Having been incredibly close, my only use to my daughter these days appears to be in the being-born department. Oh, and knowing where the sticky tape is. Otherwise, I have dwindled28 to barely a blip29 on her radar.
1. self-sufficient a.自给自足的
2. overrate vt.对……估计过高
3. Mandarin n.中文
4. algebra n.代数
5. The Iliad 伊利亚德
6. incredible a.惊人的
7. physique n.体格
8. shoplifting n.佯为顾客而偷窃
9. affectionate a.深情的
10. hostage n.人质
11. hormones n.荷尔蒙
12. eyeliner n.眼线笔
13. mascara n.睫毛膏
14. lord n.老板
15. pristine a.质朴的
16. unkempt a.不整洁的
17. punk a.低劣的
18. outfit n.全套衣装
19. accessory n.附件
20. addiction n.瘾
21. ovulate vi.排卵
22. rodent n.啮齿动物
23. ecosystem n.生态系统
24. placate vt.安抚
25. dump n.(丑陋)场所
26. presume vt.推测
27. mattress n.床垫
28. dwindle vi.退化
29. blip n.光波
13. So why do our teenage girls have an “I find my mother contemptible” clause in their contracts? Is it possibly because we’ve been too lenient30? Keen not to replicate31 the authoritarianism32 of our own parents, we’ve indulged our kids’ demands and been lax33 on discipline. But it seems to me that teenagers crave34 boundaries. Daughters don’t want the sex talk. Not from their mums, at least. In my house, any mention of the word “period” in a context other than Jurassic35 or Hellenic36 is met with derision37 and cringing38.
14. But before we start looking for a loophole39 in their birth certificates or rethinking the guppy40 approach to parenting — i.e., eating your young — perhaps it’s time we examined our own behaviour. Have we been very good role models? In this recession41-riddled time, I’m beginning to think that the definition of a juvenile delinquent42 is a child who starts acting as badly as its parents.
15. After all, it’s our generation who’ve produced the corporate cowboys and reckless leaders responsible for the credit crunch. The only bank our children can totally rely on is the sperm43 bank. We’re the irresponsible, over-mortgaged big spenders who’ve made it impossible for our offspring to get a tentative toe on the property ladder. Not to mention the way we’ve allowed big business to vandalise44 the environment like hoodied45 hooligans46. Now, with a liberal intellectual at the helm47 of the West, we might steer our way into a better world and become a more inspirational example to our progeny48.
16. But, either way, I suspect mothering teenagers will always make you feel you’re testing the depth of the water with both feet. But it does get better. Like rock-hard butter, daughters do eventually melt into fair spreading consistency49. Just today my daughter actually crushed me into an unexpected bear hug. “Mum,” she said wryly50, simultaneously raiding my purse, “when I was younger, I
30. lenient a.宽厚的
31. replicate vt.重复
32. authoritarianism n.权力主义
33. lax a.马虎的
34. crave vt.需要
35. Jurassic a.侏罗纪
36. Hellenic a.古希腊的
37. derision n.嘲笑
38. cringing n.畏缩
39. loophole n.漏洞
40. guppy n.快速潜水艇
41. recession n. 衰退
42. juvenile delinquent 少年犯
43. sperm n.精子
44. vandalise vt. 肆意破坏
45. hoodie n.冠鸦
46. hooligan n.街头恶棍
47. helm n. 领导
48. progeny n.子孙
49. consistency n.稠度
50. wryly adv.捉弄
just couldn’t believe what an idiot you were. But now that I’m nearly 16, it’s incredible how much you’ve learnt in a year.”
17. Motherhood is like a beanbag — easy to get into, hard to get out of… but it has its cosy moments while you’re down there. Not that I’m kidding myself. I have a suspicion that the first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest.
18. But meanwhile, let’s cut our kids some slack51 and keep a sense of humour. Next time your daughter screams “I hate you! I wish you’d just die,” just take another swig52 of wine, draw on a cigarette and reply, jauntily53: “I’m doing my best, darling.”
51. slack n.懒散
52. swig n.痛饮
53. jauntily adv.得意地
(824words)
(From The Sunday Times，February 8, 2009)