in your opinion ,what roles can grandparents play in today’s

in your opinion ,what roles can grandparents play in today's society?
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Grandparents can play a crucial - though frequently unacknowledged - part in the lives of families with adolescents. Over the past few years they've been drawn into the spotlight, by the government and childcare agencies, for their growing role in supporting the care of their pre-school and primary school grandchildren; but could it be that their most important work comes later, when those kids hit their teens and grandparents find themselves being called in as confidantes and counsellors, usually at precisely the moment when talking to mum and dad is - for all sorts of reasons - suddenly very difficult?
Teenagers, it seems, both recognise and value the role of grandparents in their lives. A survey from the Heritage Lottery Fund, published today, challenges society's assumption that the iPod generation is obsessed with technological pleasures: one in five of the 800 adolescents questioned said they'd put seeing their grandparents above anything else in their lives. Overall, a visit from grandma and grandpa ranked second only to going on the internet as a favourite way to spend time, ahead of listening to music, watching telly and going to the park. And there was evidence, too, of how big a physical presence grandparents continue to be in grandchildren's lives, despite the increasing geographical distances between family members: a quarter of the respondents said they saw at least one grandparent at least twice a week, and two in five saw one at least once a week. And when asked what they talked to grandparents about, along with family anecdotes, current family issues were cited by half of the respondents as a main topic of discussion.
The clinical psychologist Linda Blair isn't surprised by the findings. She says that at a time when parents face increasingly frenetic lives, grandparents can be the anchor of family life. Parents with teenagers are typically at their busiest phase of life: they're working extremely hard, and they have lots to worry about, especially their jobs and finances. They feel under siege, and kids pick up on that. Grandparents, by contrast, are more phlegmatic, more stable, more constant. They've come through their difficult times, they've survived, and that makes them more optimistic about life than overworked parents tend to be. This is what grandchildren appreciate.
The other big plus about grandparents, at a time when boundaries are being tested, is that they're not usually the disciplinarians in the family. Teenagers always try to push against the rules, they're trying to establish what is and what isn't OK, and parents are having to be firm and clear about expectations. It's a tense and difficult time. With their grandparents, adolescents can become little kids again. They can sit around and be indulged, and they really need some of that. Grandparents can give teenagers space when they need it most.
In previous generations grandparents often had a reputation for being distant and authoritarian: but today their image is very different. The average age for becoming a grandparent for the first time is 49, so it certainly isn't the case that grandparents are literally younger than they used to be: but psychologically, says Lynn Chesterman, chief executive of the Grandparents Association, they're light years from where they once were.
Today's grandparents are often gym-goers who dress fashionably, hold down jobs, and who are able to speak openly about all sorts of sensitive emotional issues, says Chesterman. Seeming younger lessens the distance between them and their grandchildren, so it's easier for the younger generation to open up to them.
Talking to grandparents often feels less of a pressure than talking to parents, not least because they tend not to be so focused on achievement, says Chesterman. We tend to be far less competitive than parents are - we're not interested in comparing our grandchildren to other kids, we're simply interested in them - we've done all that rivalry with our own children, and it isn't what life's about for us any more. In many ways you see life more objectively with your grandchildren than you did with your own children: you can sometimes look back at the way you acted with your children and feel you were too strident or too strong, and that being laid back might have been a better way. And then you can put that philosophy into play with your grandchildren.
Even where grandparents don't live round the corner, the emotional bond is often strong. Alex Oliver, 15, lives with his mum Annie in Bristol; his grandmother and step-grandfather live two hours' drive away. Sometimes mum and I have a huge row and, because there are only the two of us in the house, it's all very intense and we really don't know how to get our relationship back on track, says Alex. That's when I phone my granny, or even get the train to see her.
She'll listen to me: sometimes, she's the only person I can talk to. If it's a row with my mum then sometimes she'll agree with me and sometimes she'll say she thinks I was in the wrong. There are times when you don't want to talk to your mates, and you can't talk to your mum, but you know your granny will always have an opinion.
In a crisis, a grandparent can sometimes be a lifesaver. A few years ago one of Sylviana Holness' daughters ended up at loggerheads with her 16-year-old son, and decided to chuck him out. He used to get into a lot of trouble, and then there was this fight that brought matters to a head. The police were involved. My daughter said she'd had enough, and that he had to go.
I was living in New York at the time but I flew over to the UK and I said to my daughter, you can't throw him out. When you were a teenager you gave me grief, but I didn't chuck you out. She reconsidered, and he stayed. That grandson, now in his 20s, remains close to Sylviana. Some of my other grandkids say he's my favourite, but he's not. I love them all the same. But he's a good kid: he's a photographer now.
Sylviana, who's 81, lives in Tooting in south London and has 17 grandchildren scattered around the world: she keeps in touch with them by phone, but regrets that she can't be the constant presence in their life that her own grandmother was back in Jamaica when she was growing up. There, grandmothers literally raise the kids while the parents are working, she says. And though I can't do that, I do take my role very seriously.
Sometimes they phone me up from Florida or New York: I've had a granddaughter phone to ask me about whether she should move in with her boyfriend, and another called to ask my advice about whether she should take out a mortgage. They know I've lived a lot of years and been through a lot of things: when they tell me a problem, I can usually relate it to something I've experienced.
Filling in the gaps in her grandchildren's knowledge of the Caribbean is another job Sylviana takes seriously. Some of my grandchildren haven't even been to Jamaica, and even the ones who have need to know what life there was like for our ancestors. So I tell them about the farm where I grew up, and about how we lived. It's important for them to know.
Natalie Cierebiej-Jeffrey, 14, is another grandchild who's learning about her family's roots from her grandparents. In her case, they live in the same house in west London, so the opportunities to talk are endless. They're really involved with my life, she says. My grandmother has taken me on holiday to Poland, where she and my grandfather were born, and she talks to me in Polish and teaches me about Polish traditions. We do a lot of things the old Polish way. I like those links with Poland.
But the traffic isn't all one-way: there are huge benefits, practical and emotional, for grandparents who are close to their teenage grandchildren. Technology is an obvious binding force: studies show that today's 60- and 70-somethings are keen to embrace the internet, though they fear they won't always know what to do when it goes wrong. Like many older people, David McMahon, 64, relies on his grandchild. Jodie, who's 17, often comes round to see us and helps when I'm stuck.
Jodie has always lived close to David and his wife Patricia: they've often been a port in a storm when she needed someone to talk to outside her immediate family. It's a very rewarding relationship, David says, one of the most rewarding of my life, I'd say. I worry about Jodie, and about all my grandchildren, but it is different from the worry about my own children - it's not quite so much at the front of my mind. I'd say the enjoyment far outweighs the worry, and that isn't always how it is with your own children.
Surveys say the same: one in Yours magazine in 2004 found 70% of respondents thought being a grandparent was better than being a parent, because there was more time to enjoy the youngsters, and less financial worries.
Beryl Hancox, who has two daughters and three grandsons, says she never imagined how wonderful being a grandmother would be. I worked when my daughters were growing up; it was such a busy time. But I stopped working when my grandsons, who live just down the road, were little: and it's meant I've been able to be a big presence in their lives, because things were quieter for me. They're 16, 17 and 19 now, and I honestly can't tell you what they mean to me. Sometimes I feel I've never loved anyone in my life as much as I love my grandsons.
Her eldest grandson, Philippe, is now away at university. I miss him so much; when they go they leave a hole in your life. But he keeps in touch by email and we talk on the phone. I'd love to think he'll come back to live round here, though I doubt he will. But I do believe he'll always come back to see his grandmother.

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