求大神帮批改雅思作文

Nowdays，human societyhas made great technology progress in the past and technology is now playing amore important role in our lives than in the past as well. When it come towhether it has negative effects on our life. Personally, I cannot agree withthis view.
Admittedly， there aresome reasons about the negative effects on our life. For one thing, the greattechnological progress brings environmental issue. To be exact, the tail gasand waste gas damage our air quality. And there are many factories drain sewage,damaging our drinking water and our health as well. Secondly, loads of diseasesappear by human waste of laboratories, such as nuclear pollution, radiation,which cause some germs vary. Finally, our lives become more convenient. Our physicalfunctions are degrading every generation because we are too dependent on technologies,such our legs. Employees drive to work and student take a bus or taxi to schooland we lack exercises. We little to use it and cant walk long distance.
However,technologies promote societies progress. Firstly, We can go to anywhere byplane. It enlarges our communication with others if we want to travel toother countries or go to business, while in city, we can take subway to work .Besides,what I need to emphasize here is that network develop. We can get informationthat happened in all over the world at home, and we can study or work in anywhere by computer as well. Finally, technologies enrich our life. We canenjoy movies that include special effects sing karaoke and those help us torelease stress and tension that caused by work or study. I have to saytechnologies is changing our life and improving our life in everywhere.
In conclusion,although the technological development has lead to serious environmental issue, we should continue to develop it. Andwe need to pay more attention to control pollution when we purse progress and we also could use some new technologies to resolve problems.

5-5.5分，6分的水平应该是没到的。 你这个是第一段吗？如果是那第一段太长了，有套用模板的嫌疑，套用模板会很惨 其次，表述不够本土化，中式英文的表达，很少会用 relax themselves, 英语的以名词为主的一门语言，你直接用 for their relaxatio...

第一段最后一句是不是应该写得客观一点，比如this essay will ...已经很久没接触雅思了，感觉还是像5分的作文。多背些写作常用单词，多练习这些单词的各种形态和词组。想想小学时造句造了多少，英语也得这样多学多练。

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