雅思作文点评A类（限高手，谢谢）

请一定要点评到细节，就是说，一句一句的点评，最后进行一下对问题的总结，并提出可靠切实的改正方法。不胜感激。
The government should control the amount of violence in films and on televison in order to decrease the level of violent crims in the society. Do you agree or disagree?

Recently, more and more films with violence are introduced to theatres. As for this phenomen, some people argue that violence in films should be controled for they may contribute to the crimes in society. Hwever, whether the violent part in films should be responsible for the incresing crime is still without a contention.

Obviously, there are some elements of truth of taht people might be influenced by some violent videos. Having watched too much cruel films, audiences especially for somr youngesters would feel in sensitive to crime which will lead to a series of problems. Many movie lovers might treat some killers and murderers as heroes, for they are always the representives of justice on the screen. Under such a situation, people will be misleaded and become a lawbreaker without any recognition, which is the last thing we want to see. But, can we own all the crimes to the film, a kind of rntertainment?

It would be erroneous if we exaggerate the effect of films. Most of the criminals who hurt the others are always motivated by depper reasons but not a part of film. Take the robber as an example, these people are always long for money, believning that commiting crime will enrich themselves in a fast way. That is to say, violence in films or TV series is not the key factor of crime, and the decrease of it cannot give rise to less crime.

Generally, I would like to highlight the point, violent programmes may exert some negative impacts on the steability and security of society, but this influence is limited, so we should focus on other key sets.

如果回答很认真的话，我会加分的，谢谢。

vivianne111:对不起，你的评论在我看来没有什么实质性的内容，但还是很感谢您的帮助。谢谢。

As for this phenomen
修改：phenomen这个应该用phenomenon吧
some people argue that violence in films should be controled for they may contribute to the crimes in society.
修改：表原因的话用for the reason that they may..更好
Hwever,修改：However，或许你是打错了，应该不会写错的
whether the violent part in films should be responsible for the incresing crime is still without a contention.
修改：part应该用复数哦，可数名字的，而且电影里的暴力镜头不只有一部分嘛
crime也是要用复数的，你看题目都用了的
there are some elements of truth of taht
修改：
there are some elements about truth that
这里不用那么多of的
audiences especially for somr youngesters would feel in sensitive to crime
修改：audiences especially some young people would feel sensitive to crime
especially是副词，后面不用介词就可以直接跟你想要强调的哦，不然就不对了呢。
这里youngesters不是年轻人的意思哦，你可以查查，还有feel是系动词，后面直接跟形容词就好，不用介词哦
people will be misleaded and become a lawbreaker without any recognition
修改：既然people是复指，有很多人不是一个人，应该是become lawbreakers
can we own all the crimes to the film, a kind of rntertainment?
修改：films，entertainment，打错了吧
not a part of film
修改：觉得这也应该是films或者就是a film，前者好点
believning应该是拼错了吧！？
and the decrease of it cannot give rise to less crim
修改：and the decrease of it cannot reduce crims 别写那么繁琐比较好

总的来说这篇作文写的水平还是挺高哦，就是个别的语法或者是你想用复杂点的句子去表达用的有点不妥，如果可以，可以考虑段与段的衔接词再精彩点，因为你没怎么用，而雅思的考官估计不会有太多时间仔细看你整篇文章，首先就看衔接做的好不好哦

对的句子我就没有列举出来了，希望对你有帮助了！我也是复习过一段时间，所以比较了解写这些
祝好运！

6分左右吧

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